Goddamn Dragons | Toronto Poetry Slam

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Mon, 2011-02-14 10:05

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Joined: 2010-05-27

Goddamn Dragons

Juicing our veins, the pitch;
between pump and pulse--a
vibratory hallucination--a
screaming reminder of the time
(we walk the tightrope between love
and an oblivion) melting:

The sidewalks slithered into vile
greasy all-night
dropping the face off the
world and drying it with a dish(
dirty with lust
)cloth;

they're not my tears (but they drop
from the sockets my skull
hides from
view like the eyes of a
personal Medusa twisting
in mirrored reflection of
the coffee counter teaspoon)
pooling on the floor
where the waitress slips between
last night and the dragon
licking our heels.

I'd love to know if anyone understands what I'm trying to get accross in this piece (I think it works, but then I knew before it started what it was supposed to do).

P.S. "I think your wasting your time with this incomprehensible piece of shit" is a better response than nothing.

Mon, 2011-02-14 15:21

the green star

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Joined: 2006-09-25

I dunno - I can't stitch enough of it together to comprehend anything clearly

I either think it's about being drunk in an allnight diner OR trying to seduce death in a deli...

Am I close?

Mon, 2011-02-14 17:34

Tripp

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Joined: 2007-02-14

A couple main elements liquid flux, "we walk the tightrope between love
and an oblivion"
ending up down a storm drain so your not ariving at a goal, thus its unrequented emotion of some sort.

Seems like you need to make a decision on this piece, add at least a couple lines to strengthen the form. I'm a proponent of elongated poetry because its like more factors adding up to an abstract conclusion.

Mon, 2011-02-14 17:47

Duffman

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Joined: 2008-02-17

I get this duality of life. Existing at the same time is this drab underbelly of our world (sidewalk, dishcloth, waitress) versus this emotional and/or psychadelic turmoil (dropping face, Medusa, dragon).

Mon, 2011-02-14 21:38

Tripp

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Joined: 2007-02-14

I dunno that there is an underpinning to this yet, duality is a tough call duff. If I'm supposed to search through it I just arrive at one piece of imagery as a main setting or destination, or perhaps a meaning or emotion that is connoted by whats written. Purposeful writing is something I always aspire to when I'm not rhyming. Saying that there's not one but two deeper meanings to this is sort of a cop out for you duff.

Mon, 2011-02-14 22:58

Wandering Bark

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Joined: 2010-05-27

Hey all,

Thanks for your responses, they certainly help out; I think I'll wait to see if there's any more before letting you know what I was attempting to get across.

Green Star,

I think you just know my daily habits too well.

Tripp,

When you wrote: "A couple main elements liquid flux...ending up dow

Tue, 2011-02-15 02:19

Anonymous

lost thought is lost

I think you are reading too much beat and ee

seems to me, heroin.

chasing the dragon, juicing veins and the teaspoon.

strung out, late night diner, dead end life, maybe?

Tue, 2011-02-15 09:50

the green star

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Joined: 2006-09-25

Wandering Bark wrote:

Green Star,

I think you just know my daily habits too well.

Or it's a reflection of my own... But I actually think the intoxication and disease comes through clearly...

Although I can also see the H that skum's looking at.

Chasing the Dragon for me was always crack/coke smoke, but hey - everyone's got their own names for their vices...

Tue, 2011-02-15 12:24

Wandering Bark

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Joined: 2010-05-27

Yeah,

My server timed out on me last night, I'm stunned any of that thought got through...

I was half way through pointing out that Tripp's comments about going down a drain and unrequented emotion seem to be the same as Duff's on duality...so why is he saying Duff's copping out?

And Tripp, why not aspire to purpose in your rhyme?

Anyway,

I realze you guys aren't used to reading my page work (I use way too much punctuation in hopes of dividing thoughts) so there might be some trouble, but in the end I think it came across fairly well.

This is what it looks like without the parenthasis:

Juicing our veins, the pitch;
between pump and pulse--a
vibratory hallucination--a
screaming reminder of the time
melting:

The sidewalks slithered into vile
greasy all-night
dropping the face off the
world and drying it with a dishcloth;

they're not my tears
pooling on the floor
where the waitress slips between
last night and the dragon

The first stanza's about the heart (pitch was meant in its auditory meaning) keeping time as it slips away from us; the second's about the city and my loathing of it; and the third about my inabilty to shed tears about the first two any more.

Insert:

(we walk the tightrope between love
and an oblivion)

(
dirty with lust
)

(but they drop
from the sockets my skull
hides from
view like the eyes of a
personal Medusa twisting
in mirrored reflection of
the coffee counter teaspoon)

The heroin (or addiction) imagery was an intentional attempt to tie the piece together [though I never thought of the teaspoon as such, it was there as the twisted mirror that would turn me (my personal Medusa) into stone, but in future I will take full credit for it (as if)].

I am happy that at least some of it got across to each of you. I think the first stanza (at least) needs a little work.

Thanks all.

Tue, 2011-02-15 13:02

#10

Anonymous

Hey Skyumm,

There's no such thing as too much ee!

You ever check out his paintings?

Tue, 2011-02-15 17:34

#11

Tripp

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Joined: 2007-02-14

Well I don't mean strictly but there's admittedly more places to go without constriction.

Tue, 2011-02-15 19:50

#12

Wandering Bark

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Joined: 2010-05-27

Tripp,

Is that a response to my question about purpose in your rhyme? Or on my response to your comments about Duff's alledged cop-out? Or maybe some musing on my choosing punctuation to privide functional bemusement without using some sort of disjunctive notation?

Wed, 2011-02-16 09:21

#13

Valentino Assenza

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Joined: 2007-01-06

Green Star...you're just too good man...i feel like sometimes i should take notes...

miss seein' ya Tomy

Wed, 2011-02-16 10:39

#14

Valentino Assenza

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Joined: 2007-01-06

by the way Tomy...i was not being sarcastic...hope you didn't take as such...miss your energy man.

Wed, 2011-02-16 17:14

#15

Tripp

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Joined: 2007-02-14

to ur question about rhyme.

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