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Joined: 2010-03-10
political poem, need help on the opening but I like it thus far

Your violence is indefensible

Like children crippled considered expendable

Scarred hands reach helplessly uncounted bodies buried under foreign lands

These are the best laid plans, and this is the best planned answer

I’ll sever harpers head personally with a hand carved wood machete how’s that for using resources economically

My hypocrisy is matched only by their moral poverty

I’ll kill rob with a ford f150 in the name of irony

Turn parliament hill into a dozen cemeteries

Fuck rocks I throw incendiaries

International expression of defiance

Burn the churches and build slums on the steeples

I want freedom for all peoples

Mixing pigs and politicians to create a concrete foundation to build a new world without borders and cops

Growing food instead of cash crops

But maybe we should look where we’re always afraid to go

The revolution can only grow In our minds and hearts

Why do you think they keep cutting funding to the arts?

So Im gonna turn parliament hill into a dozen libraries

Fuck rocks compile anthologies

I’m gonna kill rob ford with Margaret atwood poetry

In the name of irony

And open harpers head to compassionate philosophies.

Smash the state with calligraphy

Re write a world without borders or cops

Cause in our minds we grow food, not corporate cash crops.

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Joined: 2010-05-27

Skum,

I like the piece, though it's a little tough to chew without the capitals on the proper names (except, for some reason, Margaret?). Unfortunately I have no suggestions for the beginning...I like the way it bulldozes in to the piece...but I'll give it some thought and another reading in a couple of days and see what's what.

WB

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Joined: 2010-03-10

I forgot to capitalize atwood, it was supposed to be a respect thing, to belittle the others, but to show I like Margaret Atwood.

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Joined: 2012-09-03

Hey Skum, I like the imagery very much. I read over the first two lines and saw a little bit of the problem you were having

``Your violence is indefensible

Like children crippled considered expendable``

; violence being indefensible would not be `like` children crippled considered expendable, but rather a state in which they are crippled and considered expendable.

What I was thinking to help you out would possibly be something like this for the opening two lines:

``Your violence is indefensible

With no sense toward children

Crippled considered expendable

... ``

Hope this helps you out.

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Joined: 2010-03-10

I read this comment over several times, it is infact helpful, though it took me a moment to realize how, thank you.

I don't know who munzy is, but I hope to see you at a slam soon.

here is my edit, there is only a little changed, but I think it helps the flow.

---------------------------------------------------------

Your violence is indefensible

no fucks given
for children crippled considered expendable

Scarred hands reach helplessly uncounted bodies buried under foreign lands

These are the best laid plans, and this is the best planned answer

ANARCHY

I’ll sever harpers head personally with a hand carved wood machete how’s that for using resources economically

My hypocrisy is matched only by their moral poverty

I’ll kill rob with a ford f150 in the name of irony

Turn parliament hill into a dozen cemeteries

Fuck rocks I throw incendiaries

International expression of defiance

I E D

Burn the churches and build slums on the steeples

I want freedom for all peoples

Mixing dead pigs and politicians as an aggragate

to create a concrete foundation to build a new world without borders and cops

Growing food instead of cash crops

But maybe we should look where we’ve always been afraid to go where anarchy is freedom not violence and rage yo

The revolution can only grow In our minds and hearts

Why do you think they keep cutting funding to the arts?

So Im gonna turn parliament hill into a dozen libraries

Fuck rocks compile anthologies

I’m gonna kill rob ford with Margaret atwood poetry
In the name of irony

And open harpers head to compassionate philosophies.

Smash the state with calligraphy

Rewrite a world without borders or cops

Cause in our minds we grow food, not corporate cash crops.

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Joined: 2012-09-22

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Joined: 2012-09-22

Here is the first of many scores you'll see on this thread.

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